


I Should Be on Television

by Viridian5



Category: Twitch City, due South
Genre: Crack Fic, Hanging Out, Humor, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-10
Updated: 2000-07-10
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:20:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Curtis and Newbie discuss the important issues of our time.  Like who was the better Ray on <i>due South</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Should Be on Television

**Author's Note:**

> No spoilers from _Twitch City_. A lot of mostly vague ones from _due South_, though there's a kind of spoiler for "Eclipse."
> 
> Thanks to Jessica for the idea seed that led to this. Thanks to Latonya for read-through and suggestions.

"You know, _due South_ may be one of the most calculated TV shows on the air," Curtis said, pointing at the screen as the credits played.

"You think so? There are a lot of them out there. Every show has the research and demographics figured first. And how did Alliance get to own 95% of Canadian TV shows anyway?" Newbie asked.

"There's a question for the ages, but you're straying off topic."

"You get to decide the topic?"

"My house, my--"

"Blow me."

"Maybe later. If you're good."

Newbie rolled his eyes, but he stretched in a way that rubbed his body against Curtis' in a highly distracting manner. "Then I'll let you try to dazzle me."

"Think about it. The show is designed to appeal to so many demographics. They have a good-looking front man for the ladies, and action stuff for the men. The funny Mountie can make Americans feel superior, while Canadians laugh at the violent, trigger-happy American characters."

Newbie snorted. "Yeah, our version of documentary cop shows has the cops pulling drunks aside, asking them if they're okay, and giving them taxi fare home. None of the fun prostitution or running drug dealer stuff for us."

"They even have a _dog_, which becomes a fluffy doggie for the 3rd and 4th seasons."

"I like the wolf from the pilot best. Now, _that_ animal looked like a wolf."

"The One True Diefenbaker? Speaking of important battles, where do you side: Ray Vecchio or Ray Kowalski?"

Newbie smirked. "Can't we all just get along?"

"Okay, which one do you like better?"

"I like Kowalski."

"Well, yeah, he's Callum Keith Rennie."

"Freak. Yeah, there's that he's gorgeous, but he has that energy too. He's interesting to watch. And his Ray and Fraser have this great rapport that makes it obvious they like one another even when they're just standing there. But--"

"But?"

"But they had a lot of ways they were alike. They were both outsider, lone wolf types. Kowalski will step in front of you and take a bullet or jump a motorcycle through a window or drop through a skylight of his own free will if he thought it would be best or fastest. He just wasn't as crazy and eager about it as Fraser. In TV, when you have two male characters sharing the same space all the time, they have to be opposites--it's a law or something, and it creates friction--and Vecchio made a better cop partner for Fraser on that front."

"Kowalski and Fraser had that contrast too, the whole instinct vs. reason, openness vs. repression thing. Bad cop/polite cop."

Newbie grinned. "But Vecchio did that too _and_... he was kind of shady."

"Was not."

"When we first meet him, he's trying to entrap some criminal. He tries to cheat his sister out of thousands of dollars of scratch-off money. And we never find out what happened with those missing nine kilos in that third season ep. Kowalski was just shitting Internal Affairs with that '1 and a happy face' thing because he didn't know what Vecchio did either but needed to save his ass. I think it's great, especially since Mr. Law and Order Fraser saw this stuff but let it slide. It's depth, contrast."

"You're full of it."

"Truth hurts."

"I can tell I can't convince you of how wrong you are, so let's try another question: which Ray do you think Fraser was doing?"

"He wanted Vecchio too, but he and Kowalski were the ones who actually got it on. Kowalski did say he'd try anything, and they were always so damned close to one another."

"But Vecchio was always in closets with him," Curtis said. "You know what that means."

"Yes, I do, and it proves my point."

"Like hell."

"Vecchio couldn't let himself want Fraser; it'd go against his ideas of manhood or something. The closets are symbolic."

"Like Kowalski didn't have manhood issues?"

"Well, he did, but I think his idea of it was more flexible, much like the man himself."

"You can stop drooling now."

"Like you'd turn him down if he propositioned you on the street. Oh, right, you don't leave the house."

"Brat. Vecchio and Fraser were an item too. There's no way Vecchio would do all the other things he does for Fraser if they weren't."

"Okay, I'll be really nice to you and grant you this: I can maybe see Vecchio jerking Fraser off and letting himself be jerked off, but I can't see him sucking, swallowing, or taking it up the ass."

"You could see him fucking Fraser?"

"Maybe, if he compartmentalized enough to decide that you can be a fucker and still be manly and it's the fuckee who's the fag."

"I have to admit that there's no way he'd go for the three-way Fraser seemed to want in the last episode."

"You're killing me with your generosity," Newbie said, rolling his eyes.

"With that whole contrast thing you mentioned--which you're right about--"

"Thank you."

"At least as far as the concept goes and not how you applied it here--"

"Sore loser."

"Would you let me get to the point already?"

"Sure, sure."

"If they made a TV show of my life--"

"Who'd want to see that? They'd be watching you watch TV?"

Curtis put his hand over Newbie's mouth. "Lots of people would. Wacky things happen to me all the time. But that's not the point. I'm thinking that we would fail the contrast test for the two male characters."

"Mmmmph!"

"Right." Curtis took his hand away just as he felt a brush of teeth against his fingers. That could have been nasty.

"We have a contrast. I have a life; you don't."

"You call what you have 'a life'?"

"Ooooh, touchy. Defensive much? No, hear me out. If you get past the idea that no one would want to see your life as a TV show, having us as we are works out. Viewers like familiar sets, but your apartment is kind of limited. It would get boring. Think of the money they'd save on exterior shooting, though...." Newbie's eyes went vague.

"Newbie. Earth to Newbie."

Newbie snapped back. "So they have a character who works outside." Before Curtis could say anything, Newbie continued, "_Staying_ at the same job. Hope's life would bring in the new sets for variety because she never stays at the same job very long. They make the working male character's set come in a lot by making the character work at a place where the others would have to come to get stuff. Like a grocery store." Newbie grinned.

"And all the necessary friction would be from you supposedly having a life while I don't? Because we're too much alike otherwise."

"Nah, it'd be from the way we're too much alike and we try to one-up one another all the time."

"I guess that should have been obvious."

"I could be like the wacky neighbor. That wouldn't be bad. I mean, since the show would be from your viewpoint, and you're normal to you."

"The wacky neighbor doesn't get much air time."

"But he steals the show every second he has onscreen."

"It's not like it would be _you_. It'd be someone playing a version of you."

"Maybe they could get Callum Keith Rennie. He's into quirky roles."

"I think he has better things to do."

"Maybe the writer or producer knows him, and he owes them a favor."

"Oh, right. So... how do you think viewers will figure out we're doing one another?"

"The fact that I'm almost sitting in your lap right now might be a clue, Curtis."

Curtis ran a finger down the short hairs at the nape of Newbie's neck and smiled at the shivers it caused. "There's our chemistry too."

"Mmm-hmm. The way we fuck on the couch at least once a week might give it away too. Not that they'd show the act itself on TV," Newbie murmured directly into Curtis' ear, punctuating his words with an occasional tongue flick.

Curtis' hand strayed down the waistband of Newbie's pants. "Yeah, but Canadian TV would be willing to show your bare ass. Okay, my bare ass, because no one will get to see yours."

"Huh?"

"Because your ass is _mine_. Okay, you can stop laughing now."

### End

 

NOTE: Latonya asked if I thought Ray could get Fraser to watch  
_Twitch City_ while they were in Canada, and this was my  
response:

"But, Ray, Curtis never leaves his house."  
"Exactly."  
"But that's very sad."  
"Exactly."  
"Yet this is supposed to be a comedy?"  
"Hey, it's _your_ country's television."


End file.
